The Devil’s Gourmet

His royal, [bleep], [expletive], culinary, Scottish highness is back on June 4, 2007 (9 pm eastern time to be exact).  Gordon Ramsay’s royal, gastronomic highness that is (Hell’s Kitchen Season 3).  The ex-footballer certainly has a way with food as he simultaneously manages to keep the production editors busy with their “bleeping” devices.  I have thought of actually making a game out of counting the number of expletives in one of the Hell’s Kitchen episodes (anyone up to the challenge?).  I remember one episode, last season, where they literally bleeped out an entire rant because it was so charged (about one whole minute’s worth).  Whew!  My blood pressure rises when I imagine Chef barking insults, jests and taunts at the contestants (sweat beading upon his furrowed brow).

Imagine being one of the few (12) brave souls on his proverbial wooden chopping block (vying for head chef at the prestigious Green Valley Ranch Resort in Nevada)?  What would you do if YOU burnt the creme brulee with your handy-dandy kitchen torch?  Let’s consider a few options:

A) Throw the dessert into the garbage, whip out another and try again?

 (“Yes Chef!  I am pathetic and do not deserve to be here.  I will redo it!”)

B) Singe your eyebrows with the torch and feign injury to escape beratement?

(Who needs facial hair anyways…?  Give me the sympathy vote.)

C) Creme brulee?  What creme brulee? 

(Reminiscent of a certain “Turbot” incident – recap here)

Most of these tactics have already been used by some guests on the show at some point (at least this is what the producers want us to think, anyways).  Although, there probably is a fourth option….

D) Take your itty-bitty torch and set some grease on fire (the whole kitchen will be destroyed, thus concealing the evidence).   Kaboom!  Enough said (shish kabobs anyone?)

In any case, you would have to be a masochist to endure competing on this show.  Plain and simple.  [Where do I sign up?!]  Seriously though.  As far as Ramsay goes, he is the “real deal” and this persona works for him.  He is rather entertaining and he is, undeniably, a brilliant chef.  I also want to believe that somewhere beneath that Haggis-encrusted, but ruggedly handsome “shell”, there is likely a sweet and silky-smooth ganache interior.  Sigh.  Sorry Desmond.

However, when pondering the psychology of passionate personalities, celebrity chefs and kitchen rage, I can’t help but wonder how long it will take pharmaceutical companies to start advertising blood pressure and heart medications during commercial breaks [watch for them].  “So if you experience high blood pressure and unexplained rage when slicing an unruly eggplant, ask your doctor about Culinex-Relaxis…”  The eggplant doesn’t stand a chance. 

Sardonic?  Moi?! 

-Poseidon’s Muse

ps.  I wonder if I could commission Mr. Ramsay to feed my growing library?  Something marmalade inspired….

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