According to my count, a total of at least 32 expletives were tossed about in last night’s premiere of Hell’s Kitchen. I didn’t see any heart medication commercials, but an overwhelming number of breath mint ads were evident [kisses anyone?!]. I must say that the hype of anticipation was evident as the new contestants discussed their anxieties about Chef’s reknowned contemptuous nature. Hype is what I would call it – some type of psychological frisson.
Perhaps Gordon could take the edge off of culinary play if he appeared to the contestants in a kitten costume. [purr….]. “Meow, meow, let’s use vegetable stock in the risotto, not water, you bloody idiot, meow, meow.” Doubt it. It might be more appropriate to accessorize Chef with some latex and leather. Now that would be sizzling. He could stand on a soapbox, his shiny black garb glistening in the kitchen light, as he unfurls his whip upon the terrorized contestants. The only casualties would be the odd carrot or two, but who would mind this display of “whip-py” prowess?
Alright. With that image burned onto the back of your retinas, let’s move on to recapitulate last evening’s events shall we?[how can you tell that I am enjoying this?]
Melissa – Apparently, your beef and asparagus dish was the only plate to meet Chef’s scrutinous palatal needs (I wonder if that was Sterling Beef, by the way?). Good job. Simple is good.
Josh – Raw foie gras is not “sexy”. Period.
Aaron – Poor crumbling, teary-eyed Aaron. Chef was extremely considerate of your feelings. You really need to pull it together Mr. Asian Cowboy Man – the Blue Team needs you.
Tiffany – What can I say? You were conquered by an itty bitty quail egg.
Eddie – aka. “Pitbull in a Chihuahua’s Body” [his words, not mine]. Chef is jealous of your cherubic youth so be sure to scowl from time to time (grrrr….) as you chop and sautee those veggies.
Gordon – It’s wonderful to see you in top form. You showed a remarkably tolerant (and sensitive) side of yourself last night. I really need to try your food at some point too, by the way. Yum [Thwack!].
Bon appetit, my sadistic friends!