Recent events in my life, and a relative sense of maturity and awareness have forced me to ponder a few things lately. Yes. I have been very busy with work, family and friends lately, and I have just been too exhausted to Blog anything of value lately (I thought you might tire of my quips, quotes and quick little notes, so I just quit writing for a few days). Plus, a rush of mountain air and a hot spa does wonders for the soul and that is reason enough to take some time out. Enough said. I miss each and every one of you and when I get a moment this weekend, I will make the rounds and disperse my hugs.
Anyways, about my ponderings. Ok. Ponderings = mini intellectual vent. My apologies if I offend. Most of you who know me, know I speak with empathy, compassion and love. And, although I do believe in caring for others, I am of the philosophy that you can only truly do this if you love yourself (humbly) first.
From time to time, through discussions with myself (the ol’ inner dialogue) and friends, I come across a few, very useful and insightful concepts that become rather useful tools for living [the Serendipity-Mobile makes another stop along it’s torturous line]. Lately, the concept of “equilibration” has come up. Please allow me to explain using a scenario. Ok. You have a relatively comfortable lifestyle, a professional career and a passion for life and your family/career. You are enjoying life, you have a good self esteem and you are feeling great. Sure you have your problems, but you work through them like a trooper, because that’s what you do. One of your friends (and everyone has one of these), always seems to be finding ways to drag you down to his/her level because they look at you and perceive that they are somewhat inferior to you (they might have low self-esteem, no direction in life, whatever….) even though you remain humble and rather tolerant of their “seconds.” After a conversation with this person, you find yourself scratching your head – “Was that a jibe?” “Was that a wise-crack?” “What did they mean by that comment?” [I can see you nodding your heads…].
What is this person doing?
Here are my humble thoughts…This person could be doing one of two things for a variety of different reasons. I’m finding, that at least in my sphere, Narcissism and co-dependence could be a possible reason for this type of behaviour (low self-esteem, no confidence, the need for constant attention, apathy). Now, it is said that some degree of Narcissism is required for survival in order to perform our biological duties as human beings, but there is a disorder associated with having too much. Anyways, regardless of whether this person is a Narcissist or not, as a means of relating to you, this person is “Equilibrating” with you. They want to prove their worth to you at all costs, even if it means hurting you (most often they are struggling with their own self esteem issues and their own “drama”). So how, in my experience/interpretation is this accomplished?
A. They “cut you down to size” = they’ll throw you the odd comment that makes “you” question your self-worth, because they are constantly questioning their own value. Initially, these comments make you feel a little strange, but you can often shake them off, in the hopes that there was some reasonable explanation for them. These people will also control you by dominating conversations, or they will exclude you from conversations (silence is their weapon). Over time, the pattern of deprecation becomes obvious to you. This person leaves you feeling drained and empty. You feel abused. If this person is a Narcissist, you will never be good enough for them. They will slice and dice your self-esteem routinely to control you and keep you in “check”.
B. They “try to ‘elevate’ or ’embellish’ their accomplishments/status” = they want to bring themselves up to (or beyond) their perceived level of your accomplishments and worth (in order to elevate their level of self esteem and worth). They do this by bragging, offering flippant advice and acting like consorts when they really only mean to demean or under-exemplify your value. They do this in order to offer themselves a false sense of self esteem while they attempt to “tower” over you.
Now, I am not a psychologist, and this explanation is a little over-simplified, but it seems to work for me. There is probably a psychological term for it, and I apologise for not being able to provide more of a reference to it. This explanation of mine, is at least one tool that I have in my kit for slicing through human drama. Fortunately enough, I am developing this relatively perceptive ability to see through human drama to the heart of issues. It is making me a much freer person and a much better friend to myself and the people that I care about. Part of the reason for my absence was just that…I was drained from the psychological war-fare that people seem to be inflicting on one another.
And, a note on Narcissism. It is a dis-ease (as in “dis” and “ease” – because it makes you uncomfortable). These relationships are classic. They make you question your self-worth. They suck you dry of your energy (and when you are full of life and energy like I am, this is a big concern). As a result of these interactions (as part of the healing process), you need to take a good, long look at why you allowed yourself to become involved with these types of people in the first place. Trust me…when you start to surround yourself with people that love and empower you without conditions or contracts, you will see and “feel” the difference. After experiencing this, there really is only one option…
Love yourself (because you will never make a Narcissist love you in return).